Forgetfulness and Procrastinating

Over the past few months I forgot I had a blog which I have to write on (like other people do their laundry on their blogs). I even forgot about Twitter and sat there staring into nothingness as my thumbs twitched fiercely everytime something happened which I wanted to 'talk' about.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that for these days I had a life. My life was just as lame as it was and is. I read some cool books though and that was good. I was procrastinating Twitter, I had forgotten the blog.

Twitter had become the summer home you think about visting the entire summer but by the time you get ready, its winter. Its a weird relationship though- me and Twitter.

And talking about forgetfulness, you have no idea of the extent of this insane 'quality' in me. If I am watching TV and an advertisement pops up, two products later I won't even remember what show I was watching. And if I change the channel, the show is lost forever.

If I am asked to get ice cream from a frig and I see a chocolate there, then I'll sit beside the refrigerator till you come there and scold me. Its true. I am just too absent-minded.

Ofcourse I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I am missing something out. But just like the Remembrance Ball (I dont remember the exact term for it) that Neville Longbottom is given by his grandma in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's stone, the itch tells me that I forget something but doesn't help me in remembering What.

I hope that I never set my house on fire because that would mean all my books would be gone and oh, I think I forget something. Could it be the people on fire in my living room? Naah, must be something else.

And don't get me started about procrastination. I let my phone's battery fall to a bare minimum even though the charger is at arm's length just because. I stay hungry all day, planning that i'll eat food when time comes.

This is a very very bad habit and I should, I must put an end to this. I'll start tomorrow.

They say that its wrong

I had written this some time ago, and the Section 377 of Indian Penal Code that reinstates the ban on gay sex reminded me of this.
It may be a little off context, but anyways, here it is.


_____________________

They say that its wrong
When my heart flutters when I see a girl
A girl with eyes that make me forget the world
Whose dimples make me want to curl up in them
And be lulled to sleep with the sound of her voice.

They say its unnatural, pronounce it illegal
But it doesnt feel like that, at all
Whenever her hand brushes against mine,
Anything that ever mattered ceases to have importance.

But they tell me it is wrong,
They tell me I need help,
They say that its all in my brain,
They want me to be cured of this
To avoid what I feel by forcing myself to love boys,
To cure a fracture by jumping off a cliff
To cure a headache by beating my head against the wall.

They dont want me to be with her,
They dont want me to smell her hair when she sits by my side
To feel her lips caress mine
To feel her hands on me, down there, everywhere,
Is my love any different?

All I want is to love without fear
The fear of judgement, the fear of punishment
The fear that my own people,
People who are supposed to give me my rights
Will take them away as if they're taking a candy from a child
But I won't be quiet
Even if they don't want me to speak

Theirs had been a love separated by time

Theirs had been a love separated by time.

They had loved each other from the day he called her name and the day she had laughed at the way he said it. They had loved each other through the boring maths lectures and the nervous walks by the lake. They had loved each other when she had chopped off her hair in distress and he had lost a tooth by falling.

They had waited patiently for the other to return from trips, visits, expeditions. They had known that they loved each other without ever having said it. They needed to make something of their lives. To consider themselves worthy of the other.

They made a silent promise to wait for the other. They promised that their lips would find each other's in the darkness and their hearts would forever be entwined by an unbreakable, invisible cord. They had promised all of this but never said it.

Both of them got busy with their lives, met new people, got smitten by new faces, got attracted to new souls. They remembered each other when someone touched their hands and asked for a key to their heart. They did not know if the other felt about them the way they felt. They spent an age apart and gave their lives the directions that they had desired.

When they finally met, in a different time and in a completely different situation, they did not know if they loved each other anymore. Had they been in love or was it just the romantic possibilities that had kept them waiting for the other all this time? They did not know if the happiness they felt was the glory of meeting an acquaintance or the peace of finding the keeper of your heart.

They looked at each other, unsure of the other's thoughts. Unsure of how they ought to react, what they should say.

He said her name, and she laughed at the way he said it. Their hearts had found the other and nothing more had to be said, questioned or explained.

Theirs had been a love separated by time but it had never lost its way.

Turning point in my life.

Of all the people i have known in my life, the two people i have been closest to were my grandparents. I spent 13 years of my life with my grandfather and my grandma continues to light up my world. Needless to say, i was devastated after my grandfather's death. For 3 whole years, i shuffled between bouts of depression and complete emotionlesness.
Perhaps it was guilt. Guilt of not being there in his final days, anger at being kept away in his final moments, regret of not telling him how much i loved him. We fail at telling people how much we love them and suddenly, it is too late. This should be the motto of humanity. We never appreciate what we have until we lose it.

He was the person who taught me everything. Talking, laughing, singing songs with messed up lyrics, the spelling of 'tuition', the fact that 2+6 and 3+5 both equal 8.... Everything. Living with grandparents made me feel weird around people my age, but i did not care then.

He was extremely friendly, in a way younger than me. I wish i had gotten that from him. He befriended whoever he came across, regardless of age, caste, profession or gender. He had way more friends than me, without internet, without mobile phones.

He was my father's father, but he has been my father too. I remember walking on village roads with him, telling him all about my life and looking at his amused expressions. He used to wake me up at 7 a.m. and play antakshari. It may sound weird, but it was a ritual.

All that went away. Teenage knocked at my door. I started getting annoyed at him for no reason. No matter how much i regret it now, it doesn't matter anymore. Regret and pain are just the siblings of death.

Yes, memories remain. But no matter how much i try to remember how his voice sounded, how wrinkles covered his hands, how he defeated me in morning-jogging-races, my mind fails me. I cannot remember the details. I cannot feel the same way again.

I guess i can call this a turning point in my life.
I lost a father.

listen, do not speak.

Can you just listen to me?
Listen to me and not speak
Not give me any advice
just listen, and keep mum.
I know that your fountain
of wisdom is full of pearls
for everyone you ever meet
but listen, do not speak.
I know I should be positive
and maybe my sorrow is small
maybe i do overthink
but listen, don't tell me this.
Keep your face free of scepticism
don't give me exasperated sighs
or 'everything-will-be-fine's
be attentive, don't talk.
Dont mock my misery
in front of other people
do not tell them of my sadness
keep it to yourself, hush.
The walls i have built
do not allow me to get too personal
but I have now done it
please dont give me regret.

People who live our lives

Scientists have proven that if you ask people for their suggestion on something, you will be guided not according to your ability or the requirement of the task, but depending on their personal desire. Okay no scientist ever said that, but dont bother going into details.

Do you ever feel that your life is not your own? Like someone has the reins to the metaphorical carriage of your life? Those people, the people who direct your life become the People Who Live Your Life.

 

You may think that your life is your own and you are its keeper but with people deciding what you should or shouldn't do, can you really claim your own life?

 

Man is a Social animal and we have heard this for a million times now. He has to keep in mind that he is on good terms with people,around him, keep people happy and be a part in the growth and development of his surroundings.

In the process of trying to maintain equilibrium, he ends up getting directions from ' meaning' people which in turn suffocates him.

 

Yes the peole are well meaning, mostly in their own minds, but well meaning nevertheless. It could be your parents making you choose a certain career for umpteen reasons, your friends who expect you to behave in a certain way, your teachers shaping you in ways that they see fit or anything.

 

All this is okay. Infact, it is necessary to a certain extent. Norms of societal behaviour make idealistic people, people with wisdom, people who care about others and think about their convenience or inconvenience. And that is good!

 

The real problem arises when people crush you so much that you forget to live. Your mind is full of their words, heart scared of their disapproval, souls confused of your own being. And where does that take you? All that gives you is depression and hopelessness In life.

 

You need to live your life first. Before you listen to how people want you to do something, you should know whether you want it or not. Whether you are doing it to please someone or because you want to.

 

And I am not suggesting you to become stubborn and stop listening to anyone at all. You should be able to distinguish between whats wrong and what is right. But the basic point remains that you NEED to do what your heart wants, first of all.

You must have heard things like 'Zindagi na milegi dobara' and 'Suno sabki, karo apne man ki'. Maybe you're bored of these phrases. I wish I could rephrase it into something catchy but nevermind that.

The basic truth remains that you need to make yourself happy and satisfied before you try to impact others' lives. If you do what you desire, and it does not turn out well, you may blame yourself but atleast you'll have the satisfaction of having done it. Thats all I have to say for now. Okbie.

what do you seek?

This is the first poem i have written in years. I won't be surprised if it comes across as juvenile or written on a whim. But i have been asked to present it by a few people so here it is. Again, do not over-expect.

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Where will you go, with
your aching heart and tired mind?
Is it glory that you seek or
is it happiness that you wish to find?
Or do you hope to find 'her'
One who takes you into your world of dreams,
one who makes your reality worth bearing,
makes life better than it seems.
Get intoxicated by a whiff of her perfume,
Find heaven in the shade of her hair,
Seek life in every breath she takes
Fall deeper and deeper into her lair.
Entwine your soul with her fingers,
drink pleasure from her lips,
Feel bliss when she says your name,
your agony shredded and stripped.
Act stubborn to have her listen to your whims
Feel all your wounds healing under her care,
Enjoy her fussing over your existence,
wondering what it was like before you had her there.
Kiss away her tears and fears,
And find yourself healing,
As if all your sorrows have left too,
Made pain worthy of feeling.
What do you want, oh foolish heart
Do you want a little bit of love?
Is it glory that you seek or
Is it happiness that you wish to find.